Tearing Me Down

wpid-IMG_436367024165019.jpeg Saw this on FB….

I start this post on a more depressing note because that is how my week started.  I weighed in this week.  I entered this weigh in with the HOPE that it was a good report.  That the scale would show all my efforts and hard work.  I was happy to see how the number staring back at me would say “Nice work, Emily! You are awesome” Only it didn’t.  It did quite the opposite.  I saw that number and it said “Haha, F* you.  Did you really think I’d change?”.  (((sigh)) And this is my burden… The scale.  It tears me to pieces, because I allow it to.  I look at how far I have come and it makes me feel good inside; however, I also look at how far I still have to go and I begin the process.  The process?  For me, it goes like this:  Cry alone, cry to someone, look at my current daily foods/calories, exercise/sleeping/rest days, then make a plan to change something.  So here I am at the end of “my process.”  What will I be changing this time around?  Well, 5 days after the weigh in, I STILL DON”T KNOW.  I’m literally at a freaking loss.  I need help.  I cannot find that one person to help me, to tell me what to do.  Advice comes from all around me, and I greatly appreciate it, however I just need help.  I need a professional to sit down with me.  Look at everything I do, everything I eat (basically all my data, and yes, I collect ALL MY FITNESS data) and say “Oh Emily, I see what the issue/problem is! You need to do ____ and ___”  But this never happens and at this point I have to question if this magical person exists.  I have seen and talked to more people than I can shake a stick at.  Maybe this is where I need to give up and let it all go.  As I type this, tears stream down my face.  I want to have control of it all, and this may be the point I need lose that control and it brings me great sadness and pain.  When I speak of giving up, I will not stop my fitness goals, just the giving up on my control.  The calorie counting, the “weight loss”, the obsessing.  It has become such a HUGE piece of me.  This will be super hard for me and slightly depressing.  I am so thankful for my friends and the amount of support I receive from those around me.  I had put this out on my Facebook page and the amount of support and encouragement I was given was truly touching.  Those comments that weigh in day helped to carry my running feet 5 miles; feeling great.

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This week off of school was a great week for me to be active.  Although the weather was still yuck, I managed to get lots of activity in and exceeded my activity goals each day.  That makes me happy, LOL, my data…

Monday: Running, 5 miles, 866 cal wpid-ABM_1392676490.jpg

Tuesday: Boot Camp, 662 cal

Wednesday: Boot Camp & Run 1.2 miles, 869 cal

Thursday: Boot Camp, 598 cal

Friday: Boot Camp & Run 1 mile, 778 cal wpid-ABM_1393008902.jpgwpid-20140221_074803.jpg

Saturday: REST!!!

Looking forward to warmer weather.  I think I’d like to start a running streak in April.  At least a mile every single day in April.  I run with the HOPE that can do this!  Especially since I know my butt can run a 9 min mile!! (sheer craziness! To think I started as a 14+ min mile!)

Have a great week 🙂

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3 thoughts on “Tearing Me Down

  1. Just wanted to share a podcast I listen to. I know you are receiving so much advice, but wanted to share with you. It is explicit, so don’t listen to it when little ears are around. He has a plan of No Sugar No Grains (NSNG), similar to Paleo, but slightly different. http://vinnietortorich.com/ He also has a book, only on Amazon, called Fitness Confidential and there is a Facebook Page. I am quite impressed by some of the things I have read and I am really trying to get back to this type of eating. You are an amazing inspiration and know that some weeks really don’t change the scale (especially if you are not eating enough for the amount you are exercising.)

  2. I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time–every part of weight loss is a non-stop roller coaster, and the lows can be really difficult to bear sometimes. I don’t want to burden you with more advice, but I know that one thing that has helped me in my struggle to accept and even try to love my body is taking a step back every now and then and just making sure that what you’re doing is making you happy. If you’re enjoying what you’re doing, then there will naturally be an up-swing, and things will get back on track. But if you’re not, then it may be time to reassess. Maybe switch out a day or two of running for a dance class, or throw in some yoga instead of boot camp–just something to shake things up and serve as a reminder that ultimately what you’re doing should be something you enjoy.
    Another thing that’s helped me has been loosening my grip on the numbers. Only you really know what your experience was like. If you run fewer miles one day but feel great, don’t let the mileage take that feeling away from you.
    My unsolicited advice ran on a little longer than I thought it would! Sorry about that I hope you find some peace soon!

  3. I totally get it!! I feel that way too! Why doesn’t the scale reflect what we think it will? Why do we feel better but the numbers don’t change? Good for you for keep going after your goals!

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