I start this post on a more depressing note because that is how my week started. I weighed in this week. I entered this weigh in with the HOPE that it was a good report. That the scale would show all my efforts and hard work. I was happy to see how the number staring back at me would say “Nice work, Emily! You are awesome” Only it didn’t. It did quite the opposite. I saw that number and it said “Haha, F* you. Did you really think I’d change?”. (((sigh)) And this is my burden… The scale. It tears me to pieces, because I allow it to. I look at how far I have come and it makes me feel good inside; however, I also look at how far I still have to go and I begin the process. The process? For me, it goes like this: Cry alone, cry to someone, look at my current daily foods/calories, exercise/sleeping/rest days, then make a plan to change something. So here I am at the end of “my process.” What will I be changing this time around? Well, 5 days after the weigh in, I STILL DON”T KNOW. I’m literally at a freaking loss. I need help. I cannot find that one person to help me, to tell me what to do. Advice comes from all around me, and I greatly appreciate it, however I just need help. I need a professional to sit down with me. Look at everything I do, everything I eat (basically all my data, and yes, I collect ALL MY FITNESS data) and say “Oh Emily, I see what the issue/problem is! You need to do ____ and ___” But this never happens and at this point I have to question if this magical person exists. I have seen and talked to more people than I can shake a stick at. Maybe this is where I need to give up and let it all go. As I type this, tears stream down my face. I want to have control of it all, and this may be the point I need lose that control and it brings me great sadness and pain. When I speak of giving up, I will not stop my fitness goals, just the giving up on my control. The calorie counting, the “weight loss”, the obsessing. It has become such a HUGE piece of me. This will be super hard for me and slightly depressing. I am so thankful for my friends and the amount of support I receive from those around me. I had put this out on my Facebook page and the amount of support and encouragement I was given was truly touching. Those comments that weigh in day helped to carry my running feet 5 miles; feeling great.
This week off of school was a great week for me to be active. Although the weather was still yuck, I managed to get lots of activity in and exceeded my activity goals each day. That makes me happy, LOL, my data…
Tuesday: Boot Camp, 662 cal
Wednesday: Boot Camp & Run 1.2 miles, 869 cal
Thursday: Boot Camp, 598 cal
Looking forward to warmer weather. I think I’d like to start a running streak in April. At least a mile every single day in April. I run with the HOPE that can do this! Especially since I know my butt can run a 9 min mile!! (sheer craziness! To think I started as a 14+ min mile!)
Have a great week 🙂